
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/5993451.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Watchmen_-_All_Media_Types
  Relationship:
      Edward_Blake/Dollar_Bill
  Character:
      Edward_Blake, Dollar_Bill, Edie_Blake
  Additional Tags:
      Rule_63, Eddie_is_the_only_one_genderbent, Vaginal_Sex, Edie_is_underage,
      dollar_bill's_casual_sexism
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-02-13 Words: 2570
****** Top Dollar Comedy ******
by Birdschach
Summary
     Dollar Bill and the Comedian get paired up for patrol, but things
     don't go quite to expectation.
Notes
     Me and my fiance were talking about crack ships and both decided to
     write a story based off a similar prompt. I also sort of wrote this
     as a present to her for Valentine's Day, so I included some of her
     tamer kinks. The title is a joke, I swear.
See the end of the work for more notes
"Hey there, little lady," the ridiculously franchised hero said, as he
approached Edith Blake. "Seems ol' Captain Metropolis paired you and me up for
patrol today."

"So what? Not like that means anythin'," Edie replied, "And who the hell are
you callin' little lady? Just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean I couldn't kick
your ass 5 times over."

"Didn't your mom ever teach you cursing isn't ladylike?"

"Who said I want to be a lady, anyway? That whole fuckin' scene, cooking
dinner, keeping the house clean, gettin' the kids off to school. You think any
of that sounds like my kind of life?"

"Well, yeah, this whole hero thing is just a phase, obviously. Some day you'll
settle down, and be a proper woman."

At this, Edie doubled over laughing, unable to keep her composure from the
sheer hilarity of it.

"Why's that so funny, little lady?" he asked, a smirk playing across Dollar
Bill's face, knowing how much she hated being called that.

And as she growled, slamming him against the wall more furiously than most of
the criminals he fought, the smirk vanished.

"What. Did I say. About calling me that?" she hissed through clenched teeth.
Though it appeared she was smiling, the deranged look in her eyes smothered all
traces of mirth or happiness.

"Whoa, Edie, calm down. I thought you of all people could take a joke. Geez,
all these attitude problems are the reason nobody likes you..." Bill said,
shoving her off of him.

"What do ya mean nobody likes me? I'm the fucking best, everybody likes me."

"Ha, yeah, if pretending you're good company to keep you from lashing out is
liking you, then sure. Point is, you're brash, obnoxious, and borderline
dangerous. Metropolis paired me with you because he thought I could handle it,
that my teamwork experience from my football days would help, but I'm starting
to think you just can't handle being part of a team."

"What...what are ya sayin'? Ya think you know how a team works? With your
flashy, bank paid costume? You're not even a real fuckin' hero, let alone a
good teammate. I'm the best fuckin' one of ya, I don't care if ya all hate me!"

"I didn't choose my aesthetic, my costume was designed for me."

"Exactly my point, Bill. And what's a Kansas boy like you doin' using such big
words?"

"Well, I guess we're not in Kansas anymore, are we?" Bill joked, eliciting more
raucous laughter from Edie.

"Hey, that was actually pretty good there. Maybe this team up might not be so
bad after all..." Edie mused.

"That's the spirit, Edie. We'll make a great team, and don't worry, I'll
protect you from any of those nasty criminals."

Instantly, the smile faded away. Before Bill could do anything to defend
himself, Edie was upon him, landing a flurry of blows on his chest and face.

"Protect ME, huh? You can't even protect yourself! Where do you get off, acting
like I need your help, when I can get the drop on ya so eas-" Edie's rant ended
as Bill's powerful right hook slammed into her jaw, a sickening crunch as loud
as thunder filling the otherwise silent room. As the adrenaline wore down, and
Bill realized what he had done, consumed by rage and his self-defensive
instincts, he stammered.

"I...uh...I'm sorry, Edie. I..." But before he could finish, she had regained
her feet. Powered now by some previously unkown inner passion, Edie rushed
towards him again. But as he took a defensive stance, he was surprised by her
method of attack, one for which he had no plan; a clumsy kiss. Edie pulled
away, blushing furiously, and before Bill took much time to consider his
actions, consider who he was with, or even consider her young age, he took her
by the neck and kissed her back, passionately and sensually, making her clumsy
attempt at a first kiss seem pathetic in comparison.

"So, if nobody likes me, why're you so eager to kiss me, huh, Bill?" Edie said,
smiling her most sadistic smile as he pulled back. "I never thought you'd have
the balls to hit a lady, or I'd've hunted ya down a long time ago."

"What? What kind of fucked up girl are you? You want me to hit you? I just lost
control, you were attacking me. It was all reflex, I'd never hit you."

"Yeah? I bet ya never thought you'd kiss me either, but ya kissed back. Never
forget that you could a just let that go, but nah, ya had to kiss back." she
said, that smile returned to her face, bigger and more mocking than ever
before. "As for your question, I know I'm pretty fucked up. I got a lot of
things I wish I could do to Sally, don't even get me started on her."

"But, she's a woman. Why would you want to do anything to her?"

"You're not too smart, are ya, Bill? I guess I kinda got a thing for chicks
too." Edie said, shrugging nonchalantly. "I guess you could say I play for both
teams, if that helps a sports guy like you get it."

"But, that's wrong. You can't just..."

"Can't what? Be gay? Well I'm bi, to clarify, but still. I'm not the only one
on the team that is, Bill. Maybe you should pay more attention to your
'friends'. All those minutemen that you DO like."

"You're wrong. You're also hopeless, let's just get this patrol over with."

~X~

As the two patrolled, their minds wandered. It seemed to be a quiet night, with
very little action to speak of. With nothing to distract them, Edie and Bill
were left with their thoughts. Edie couldn't help but dwell on the feeling that
swelled within her when Bill lost his temper; she had known she felt a certain
thrill during violent encounters, but it was different when it was personal, a
direct attack from someone she knew.

The warmth between her legs was hard to ignore, as each second spent dwelling
upon it seemed to magnify the feeling. Bill, however, was trying desperately to
fight his own feelings, and convince himself that their kiss had meant nothing.
She was deranged, and he had only followed up due to shock, and confusion. The
hard-on that followed it, luckily unnoticed meant nothing.

Eventually, as the two dwelled in silence through the majority of the night,
they came upon some unexpected action. As they neared a street corner, the
unmistakable sound of a shattered store front broke their concentration.
Pausing only for a brief glance at each other, they broke into a run and
rounded the corner.

They saw a group of common thugs, who had broken the storefront of an upscale
jeweler, and were trying to haul all they could into their waiting getaway car.
At the sight of the two heroes, the driver decided the jewels they had already
loaded up were enough, and immediately fled the scene, tires screeching as his
former friends shouted insults at him.

"Don't worry, Edie, you hang back, and I'll take these guys down in no time!"
Bill exclaimed, his chivalrous nature making yet another strong showing.

"Like hell ya will, buddy. These bastards are mine." Edie retorted, already
charging them.  Bill was stunned for a moment, but before too long he was only
a few steps behind her as they reached the storefront, and engaged the
abandoned thugs.

The thugs didn't stand a chance. Edie and Bill were two of the strongest of the
Minutemen, relying on their strength more than strategy or intellect, with
Hooded Justice being the only member who could overpower them. But each time
Edie would target a specific thief, Bill would be there, trying to protect her
from any blows, even the attacks she could easily dodge or block.

Frequently, all this would earn the chivalrous hero was an "accidental" hit
from Edie as she targeted their enemy. But as this happened more and more,
until eventually all the thugs were unconscious, Edie kept going. She attacked
Bill, landing punch after punch on his blocking arms.

"Ya still wanna protect me? Can't even protect yourself, Bill, what the hell
can you do to help me?" Edie asked, that sadistic grin Bill was quickly getting
used to twisting her features once more. Finally, after what felt like an
eternity of Edie's flurried punches, Bill snapped. Just as before, his powerful
right hook knocked Edie's head to the side, leaving her ears ringing and her
vision spotty.

Bill had backed up against the wall within the store, with no more room to
retreat. "Oh, I'm sorry Edie, I just...I can only take so much." Bill
explained.

Edie looked up at him, her cheek already red, and smirked. "Ya think that's not
exactly what I wanted, buddy?" she asked. Before Bill could respond, Edie lept
towards him, and their combined weight smashed against the wall. Neither Edie
nor Bill had paid much attention to the wall, both of them quite preoccupied,
so when the door opened inward, revealing an unlit room, both were shocked. And
then they hit the floor, a tangled pile of limbs and bodies, with Bill's cape
causing nothing but trouble.

As they stood, their eyes adjusted to the light of the room. And they both
noticed the couch along the far wall at the same time. With a sidelong glance,
Edie asked; "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin', pal?"

"As much as I hate the thought of it...yes." Bill answered. He wanted Edie
desperately, and didn't think he could wait for anything more desirable. Sure,
the headquarters, or either one of their apartments, would have inevitably been
better. But the couch was here. He was hard now. Edie was here. And he could
tell by the hungry look in her eyes that she wanted him too.

This desire for Bill was a cause of great confusion in Edie. She hated him,
didn't she? Then why did her body betray her by wanting him so damn fiercely?
The young girl had no precedent for this feeling. She did at times hate Sally,
but most of that was just her fighting against her feelings. With Bill, she
knew she despised him. He was cocky, brash, and constantly tried to tell her
how to live her life, or, somehow worse, tried to protect her.

What the hell. She thought. None of this fuckin' matters anyway.

"Then let's quit talkin', and get down to business." Edie said, slowly working
the zipper of her costume, as she stared Bill in the eyes. She was almost
entirely disrobed by the time he had made any move to remove his bulky costume.


Seeing him struggle out of it amused Edie, and she chuckled at his valiant
efforts. Finally, she walked over to him, and began to help him undress, though
she couldn't stop herself from laughing. Despite knowing the costume wasn't his
choice, she still thought it was ridiculous. Why let someone else choose such
an impractical costume?

But once he was out of it, her laughter stopped. It seemed his brief stint as
an athlete, followed by his training to be Dollar Bill had given him a great
body. Edie felt the heat between her legs swelling, and knew she had to have
him.

As Bill looked into her eyes, and saw the hunger within, followed by a quick
once over of her thin but toned body, he felt himself getting incredibly hard.
Before he could make a move, however, Edie shoved him down onto the break
room's couch, kissing him passionately all the way down.

As they landed on the couch, each reveling in the other's warmth, and exploring
each other's bodies, they found they could scarcely resist each other.

"Are you sure you're ready, Edie?" Bill asked, during a brief pause in their
kissing.

"Fuck yeah, I'm ready." Edie said. "I've done this plenty of times, why don't
ya take the lead?" she lied, hoping she could trick Bill into taking care of
things. Truth be told, this was her first time. While she had never thought
it'd be with Bill of all people, she couldn't exactly calm herself and walk
away just because she was a little nervous. She was the fuckin' Comedian, damn
it. How could she take something seriously?

Bill was much too aroused to notice Edie's apprehension, and pressed the tip of
his cock against her entrance. Edie shuddered, the pleasure wholly new to her,
yet greater than anything she had managed on her own. Then, Bill placed his
hands on her hips, getting a good grip on her, and thrusted himself up into her
tight cunt.

With all of Bill inside of her so suddenly, Edie couldn't suppress a gasp of
pain. He was not a small man, in any regard, and Edie had had nothing more than
her finger inside of her. Bill had no idea it was her first time, no way of
knowing he should be gentle, and while he was never a rough man, it was
painfully obvious to Edie that he wasn't fucking her as gently as a man should
fuck a virgin.

And she loved it. Sure, it hurt, in a very different way than anything she'd
felt before, but since when did she let a little pain slow her down? Once she
really thought about it, and Bill's rhythmic thrusts became gradually less
painful and more, wonderfully, wonderfully present, she couldn't help but
laugh. Bill was taking her virginity, and he didn't even know it. How hilarious
was that?

As she laughed harder and harder, and Bill fucked her faster and faster, she
was finally near climax. Around this time, Bill asked her; "Why are you
laughing, Edie?"

"Because!" she started to answer, forcing her words out between fits of
laughter that seemed to be part moan as well. "This was my first time, pal. Ya
just took my fuckin' virginity!"

The idea thrilled Bill. He had already been nearing his own climax, but he
suspected Edie might be laughing at his expense, which put a bit of a damper on
things. Discovering that it was not only him she was laughing at, but a
scenario he f thought was incredibly hot was enough to push him over the edge.

The former athlete moaned deeply as he came, firing his load deep into her
pussy. And hearing Bill lose himself in orgasm, and feeling his hot come inside
of her, she came as well. For a moment, both went silent, as they tried to
catch their breath.

Finally, Edie spoke: "Ha, ya ain't half bad, pal. Ya coulda hit me more, but ya
know, whatever. Still had a blast, as ya can see." She began suiting back up,
and Bill followed her lead.

"But, Edie, we didn't...I...what if you get pregnant?" he asked, once they were
each halfway dressed.

"What if I fuckin' do? This was my choice, I wanted this. So let me deal with
it."

"Edie, you're being unreasonable, I just...with what we did, I really think we
should get married."

And Edie started to laugh. And as she finished zipping her costume, and walked
out of the break room, then the store, with Bill yammering at her heels, all
she could do was keep on laughing.
End Notes
     Cash rules everything around me, CREAM, get da money, dolla dolla
     bill y'all.
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